Introductory Miller

Do you like me?

August 20, 2009 · 1 Comment

Editor’s Note:  Apologies to all for claiming to start a blog and then taking a month off after only two posts.  I realize that probably resulted in the viewer ship drastically shrinking from eight people to three.  I’ll try to be more diligent.  Enjoy the third post.

I desire people to like me.  I want them to think I’m funny. I want them to ask me to hangout with them, you know be apart of the crowd.  I like to boast about my accomplishments or past jokes, to be even funnier of course. Why you ask?  Because I covet man’s approval that is why.  I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last year.  Our church Austin Stone has been transformational in that regard.  Until recently, I never saw this as a problem.  But it has become abundantly clear that it is.  Let me tell you why.

Every boy wants to be liked by older men.  We all look up to someone because that is how we are wired. (read previous post)  For me, it was my uncles.  My mother’s brother’s are the coolest, most fun men I know.  I loved being with them and I desperately wanted them to like me.  Natural correct?  Sure, but only if not abused.  And given our current state of brokenness it would be virtually impossible to not abuse it.  When I say abuse, I mean at what lengths will we go to satisfy our desire.  In my case it usually meant lying.  I would elaborate stories to gain attention.  Or better yet, to stay out of trouble.  I knew of the hobbies of certain uncles and I would exaggerate my experience level, only to be found a fraud when the proof was revealed in the pudding.  One of the worst examples is when I would convince the younger cousin to do horrible drastic things to get a rise out of the older cousins.  Of course, in the natural chain of events, he’s learning the same drastic measures from those of us he looked up to, trying to gain our approval.

Sadly I see these tendencies still in my life today.  It would be wonderful to tell you that I have out grown them, but that is the nature of our depravity.  Its not merely a maturity issue.  Laughing because I convinced my younger cousin to flash the adults, is a maturity issue.  But convincing him to do that act so I receive some sort of self gratification in that laughter, goes deeper than not being mature.  So how do these habits surface in my life today?  Mainly, in fear of rejection.  I want to be liked by all, especially JP.  I know that I am fully secure in our marriage and nothing can ever ruin that because scripture tells me “therefore what God has joined together let man not separate.” (Mark 10:9)  With God, our marriage will be securely fastened regardless of any work done by either one of us. Still being armed with that truth, I hate to let her see me fail.  Something inside of me says you always have to be a success one hundred percent of the time. What is it about us that draws us to not be completely vulnerable in front of the person who matters most?  Paul tells me that he is stronger in his weaknesses. (2Corinthians 12:9-11)  That’s fascinating yet so foreign to me.

It takes me forever to admit to JP when I mess up, even the little things.  You should hear the ridiculous perpetual ring around the roses, when she asks me for the 4th time in two weeks, if I have renewed the insurance on her wedding bands.  It’s pathetic.  I’ll tell her I was busy or forgot, or I’ll give an update on my progress.  The best one is when I tell her how I planned to do it yet never did it.  What?  How does that help? And the worst part, for those thirty seconds that the stupidity is fumbling out of my mouth, I think it’s working!  Afterward I’ll sit in silence waiting, not wanting to make eye contact, pondering to myself “I think that worked. You just bought yourself another half week stud!  You are so good.”  Then the inevitable happens, “Give me a breaaaaaak Millerrrrrr!!!”.  I can’t tell you how many breaks I owe JP.

What we have is a Sin issue.  I mentioned that it goes deeper than maturity and it does.   Sure, with some hard concerted effort I may be able to make a slight change, but old habits die hard.  More importantly, sin apart from God always thrives.  What I’m talking about is an idol issue.  An idol is anything that takes the place of God in our life.  I mentioned previously that we try to fulfill our need for God with things around us.  Scripture says as much, “they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator” (Romans 1:25)  Like I said, it’s how we are wired.  We were made to worship and serve God yet we choose to follow our own desires and fulfill our need.  This is idolatry.

The notion of idolatry is best explained in the sermons and writings on Idols of the Heart by Tim Keller.  I encourage you to look up his writings on this, they bring change.  Keller basically claims that apart from God we all believe happiness, goodness, even salvation can all be achieved by something we do or by who we are.  Essentially we create our own identity rather than finding it in the redemption of Christ.  The four main idols of our heart described by Keller are…. (hope I’m not copyright infringing or plagiarizing here, but hey…I found it on the internet right?) The idols of the heart are Comfort, Approval (me!), Control, and Power.  In one shape or form, perhaps in a combination of a few, we find our identity in these models.

People who seek Comfort are those who stress easily about circumstances around them.  This is sought through complacency in lack of risk taking for fear of change and stress.  Think of the people that hate their job but will never leave to do what they truly love because it is a comfort zone.  Approval is wanting love, affirmation, and relationships.  This is exhibited in fear of rejection.  If you know a pathological liar, they find their worth in approval and wanting to impress, because it makes them feel liked.  Control are those who have to be in charge or well planned.  Uncertainty, spontaneity, and change of plans are not high on the list.  It was put as a joke, that these are your Microsoft Excel lovers.  Finally, Power are those that will do anything to gain success and sacrifice family and vacation time to achieve that level of power.  These are your competitive types and its seen via fear of humiliation or failure.  Think of the successful business professional who works 60-80 hour weeks neglecting family and friends because he wants to gain social status and title.

Now please do not hear judgment in my words.  If you are following along I essentially just called myself a pathological liar.  I am just as guilty as any example listed, and I’m merely restating what I see as brilliant thoughts from Keller to explain why we seek what we follow.  But I know we can all relate to this in one way or another.  Can’t you just see yourself in one of the four if not a bit of ALL four examples?  Furthermore, I’m assuming, like myself, what you’re pursing in life is lacking.  You still feel left unfulfilled.  Life still has an emptiness, a void.  Sure, that high end job may bring lots of money and new cars, but new cars get old.  They wear off. Or worse, that job won’t fix the affair because the wife has no companion at home.  Those lies don’t truly make you great at things, they create the perception.  Inside is still the absence of being great.  Future career path plans may give the appearance of job security, but an economy can go south at a record rate in less than a year, cutting all career control you thought you owned.  Loved ones or close friends can bring a sense of comfort, but disease and accidents can remove them just as fast.  Can’t you just feel the connection?  All of that is momentary satisfaction, it’s fleeting.

What’s the answer?  Its simple, the gospel, .  And it can be found in the story of the prodigal son.  (Luke 15:11-32)  I won’t go into full details for space purposes and I’ll let you read the story for yourself.  But in essence the younger son comes to his father and asks his dad for his inheritance right away.  He runs off for some time, living in a life of sin with prostitutes and debauchery.  You can already feel yourself comparing to him “saying I’m not THAT bad”, but that is just where Jesus wants the listeners to the parable to be.  When the younger son comes to his senses he returns home to the open loving arms of his father.  Immediately they throw a huge party for his return.  All the while, the elder son who stayed home throws a hissy. (yeah I said hissy, it’s not even in spell check either)  He claims he never received such treatment for his “good” behavior.  Don’t you just feel yourself siding with him?  Hence why you don’t feel as bad as the younger son when you can’t relate to him.  We must be cautious however, the elder son who stayed home, is harboring jealousy and self indignation.  He’s forgetting that he is not perfect.  The lesson learned is that nothing can be earned by behavior.  God’s love is not merited by who we are or how we act.  God is our Father and he loves and accepts us just as we are, just like the father in his sons’ return home.  Now that is liberating.  When He comes to us we must confess our wrong doing i.e. idolatry because it gets us nowhere but further apart from God.  Both sons had the wrong focus.  The younger was living in wickedness while the elder was living in self righteousness.  And that’s exactly where the evil forces of this world would like you to be.  Living in pride comparing your holiness to that of others than the example of Jesus.

This would be a great a time to tell that I’ve completely conquered seeking the approval of man, but I can’t.  That would be a lie.  It’s still a struggle and you will find that too, and that’s okay.  The gospel message is transformative, not a time machine.  (Time machines would be incredible by the way, or least a teleport.  I would love to teleport every Monday rather than drive the three hour round trip to San Antonio.)  But, I’m working on seeking my fulfillment in God.  I encourage you to do the same.  Ask yourself what idol model do you connect with most? What do you hold onto that takes God’s place in your life? I can attest that great advancements have been made, and I think JP would tell you the same.  Through my lasting relationship with Christ that He has graced me with, I’ve been able to be assured that He loves me, instead of wondering in my mind during a conversation “do you like me?”  Until next time, thanks for stopping by.

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Death of a Salesman

July 25, 2009 · 3 Comments

JP and I recently looked at houses while considering a purchase. I don’t know if you have ever had the pleasure of this experience but let’s just say we are extending our apartment lease for another year.   I didn’t quite understand how it works when you visit a house that is still occupied.  What do you say to the people about their home as you meander from room to room critiquing every intricate detail of their most prized possession? Do you fake your approval, or pretend as you cringe at leopard print wall paper that they have a wonderful eye for interior decoration? I think I was coming to a bit of an anxiety crisis when faced with that scenario, I don’t think I could pull it off.  As I wondered aloud these thoughts on our way to see a condo, JP informed me that the people don’t stay, that would be awkward.  Precisely what I was thinking!  Then I got a sense that we have a sort of responsibility to owe it to the home owner to tell them, after the fact, if we liked their house or not.  To this thought JP casually replied “you must have been a horrible salesman.” 

I was in sales once.  I liked it at first.  The fast paced atmosphere, the ever changing product knowledge and the sense of pride you got when performing better than your peers.  This was at a whole different point in my life.  My answer to JP’s quip was that I was actually pretty good at it because I had low morals during that juncture of life.  I believe it’s hard to be an honest loving person in sales.  So much of your success, income and status come strictly based off of your ability to convince another good human being to purchase something above their means, so you can gain more social status and income, then in turn purchase something above your means.  Ask any honest or conniving salesman if at any point they have been presented with a sales scenario where they know the right thing to do, but can gain so much more for themselves if they think of self first, and they will absolutely agree it happens in almost every encounter.  That is why I feel commission jobs should be eradicated.  Regardless of the fact that my only experience with this income structure forced me back into my mother’s house at twenty five is of no consequence what so ever.  Commission income structure focuses on the heart of multiple evils; money, self, and pride. 

Let’s break down your typical sales environment.  Companies have weeks on end of training all geared towards bringing them more gain.  All the while teaching you the art of sales; they are in turn selling you on joining them in this cycle of deception while deceiving you with the very lesson being taught.  So what do you do?  You join them of course.  Because after all, haven’t we been taught for so long to look out for number one?  That’s exactly what they want you to think you are doing but in actuality you are helping them look out for the company.  On top of it all, it brings this false sense of relation and teamwork, when in reality it’s a vicious cycle of greed and corruption that when undermined, will cut you off without a second look back.  I can relate to that.  When I worked at the largest major computer corporation in the world selling computers to small businesses, I was very good at it.  I was on board with their goal of personal gain for me and I was completely fooled by that sense of feeling needed and valued.  I climbed to the top of the sales charts by month three.  I thought I had worth with the company, I felt I was an asset.  In month four I made a very honest mistake and was terminated.  No second chance, no remorse, no look at the value I brought to the company, and no evaluation of performance before making a decision.  I was nothing to them, and it was evident.  Undoubtedly, they probably invested in another young twenty something.  Won that person over with the same deception scheme they call training and threw them to the wolves to fight and survive.  It will probably end with the person either becoming fed up with the back stabbing environment or when they offend the cycle of corruption and turn to honesty. 

Don Miller says in Searching for God Knows What, that there really is no defined morality.  He argues that our morals come from our relationship with God.  Whether you believe in God or not, we all intrinsically have knowledge of what is right and what is wrong, otherwise we would not have a conscience.    Something inside of us speaks to our inner most telling us what we know is the better thing to do, yet more often than not we purposefully stray from that voice.  Another something inside of us of equal and opposite force calls us to quietly pretend the other voice is no longer calling or has inexplicably been muted.  We seek self gain first and foremost, leaving those humans and inner voices alike, behind to choke on our proverbial dust of self gratification.  This is where Don Miller claims that only through knowing and loving God can we truly change and learn how to do the selfless thing, and thus follow the good voice.  His claim is that if we invest in a relationship with understanding God more, how much He loves us, and then in turn allow His love to grow inside of us as we choose to follow Him, our lives will become more moral.  Through the transformation of God’s love, our lives will begin to run the course of holiness along the path of God’s perfection.

This makes sense to me.  At the time I was in sales, when I so gleefully defended my success due to “low morals”, I had virtually no relationship with God.  I did not think about how much He loved me, nor did I return the love to others, let alone allow it to change my life.  I was seeking self on so many different levels inside and outside of career.  My surroundings bred selfishness, so I adjusted to mesh in.  Think of Don Miller’s claim in the paradigm of marriage.  You don’t cheat on your spouse because it’s wrong (at least I certainly hope you have deeper motives not to), it’s because you love them.  Their love for you has caused you to love them and do right by them.  You would hate to devastate them in that manner; you would be repulsed to see them crushed under the severity of your selfishness.  That is how our morality should be aligned; through the transforming love from God and our love towards Him and His sacrifice for us His creation.  I am not so naïve to miss where my example, marriage, fails given our current deteriorating state of marriage and divorce rates.  But the bottom line is, scripture calls our faith, following, and love relationship to God a marriage and it is a wonderful illustration for us today to lean on.   It paints a clear analogous picture, consequently serving its purpose.

Now I am completely aware that there are persons out there who are just inherently good people.  When I meet those that are so willing to help the less fortunate, give some allowance of their possessions, or volunteer their time, I’m touched.  But at the same time I’m also saddened.  What is their primary motivation to do these, in essence, random acts of kindness?  Do they do it to feel better about themselves?  Is it to remind themselves that their situation is not so bad or could even be worse? Perhaps it is to have the appearance of doing it out of this God driven love mentioned above.  Or maybe they look to receive some level of recognition and confirmation about themselves.  I don’t really know, but it does seem to be some kind of self medication of sorts in a roundabout way.  Not that I’m claiming it’s wrong or bad, I guess it makes me sad because I see so much potential for their service to be so much more.  But can you blame them?  This is exactly how God created us, to find value in Him, but since that relationship was broken, we then have since turned to each other for that validation. (I’m not blaming God here, just merely stating I can understand how people miss the mark)  It is one thing to be completely defiant in the face of God, know it, and continue to act on it.  I get that because I’ve done it.  But to have no clue, and continually convince yourselves that your good works makes you completely okay and better than the defiant, is an equally scary slope to slide down.  It’s exactly where the evil forces of this world want you to be.  In comparison to one another, rather than in comparison to where God wants you to be. 

This is why I believe in the story of the Garden of Eden.  Adam and Eve were created to follow God and God alone.  They were not created to follow each other; their sense of being was rooted in God, an all loving and flawless Being.  Furthermore, they found their identity and self worth in God.  They walked in unison in God’s presence having a complete relationship with Him.  When I ponder humanity now, the truth of the Garden makes sense to me.  If something destroyed that, i.e. Sin, and separated creation from this perfect Being, we are left with only imperfection to draw from.  It’s no wonder we feel lonely, worthless, heartbroken, jealous, slanderous, the list goes on.  Naturally, if you obtain your affirmation of self from a broken being you’re inevitably going to feel broken yourself. 

This all brings me to the reason I’m writing today.  Forgive me for taking the shortcut to get us here but now we are ready.  The other day I was reading Second Corinthians chapter 5 in verses 16-20.  In them, Paul speaks about how we now are new creations in Christ.  That is, the old self seeking amoral broken characters have been done away with.  He explains that through Christ, we have been reconciled to God and now are His ambassadors who He has entrusted with this message of reconciliation.  (Forgive me for paraphrasing for space purposes. I’ve got to cater to space at some point don’t I?)  Essentially God is setting up a system where we, the once unloving creation are His representatives, a kind of holy salesman if you will.  God uses us, the broken, to restore the broken via our transformation found in Christ’ perfect reconciliation. I’m not saying people become perfect, what I’m saying is God’s perfection can be seen in our actions and proper identity can be given to creation through a relationship with Him.   

So, in responding to JP’s comical assessment, “you must have been a horrible salesman” the answer would be absolutely yes.  I do a horrible job of letting God’s love transform me into the person He wants me to be.  I do a horrible job of representing His message of reconciliation.  And that’s just it, when you are an ambassador, a representative; you are not merely a salesman.  It goes so much further with God.  The product becomes a part of you.  God moves in power to make you more like Him, i.e. His morality. Thus you are moved to make more than a sales pitch based upon selfish gain and propaganda.  It drives you to live it out.  Nowhere in computer sales did I feel so attached to the item in which I let it move me to become more like it.  Let’s face it, DOS is pretty bland.  

I’ve recently gotten back into the Gospels after spending time elsewhere.   I truly want to know what it is like to love another human like Jesus did.  Honestly, I’ve never really tried nor asked Him to provide that for me, and those who know me can attest to that by my behavior.  Life has always been more of a go with the flow than step out on a limb.  My faith has always been rooted in what Jesus did for me, not what His actions exemplified to me.  I’m the guy asking what his country can do for him, only my country is God.  It’s time to be an ambassador and put a death to the salesman.   Until next time, thanks for stopping by.

 

Miller

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Take a look, its in a book…

July 22, 2009 · 2 Comments

So I decided tonight at about 1 am to start a blog.  I don’t know what it is about me and mornings but at 1 am I like them, at 8am, not so much.  We’ve talked, and I when I say “we” I mean my wife JP and I, for months about having a blog.  I think I never really identified with a true purpose of having one.  Sure, we could’ve started one to document the beginning of our marriage, of which we just celebrated the first year anniversary three days ago.  Thank you, thank you.  But something in me didn’t really want to start one for that reason.  No offense to those out there that have a newlywed blog or a newborn blog for that matter. Chances are I’ve frequented yours many times.  It just wasn’t for me.  But now I think I want to start one, mainly because I just want to try and write.  You know, see if I’ve got what it takes.  I’ve always enjoyed writing but that enjoyment was always tempered because I’ve only experienced it out of necessity, writing for educational purposes. There are the constant rules to be followed, grammatical guidelines to adhere to, and thesis statements fully followed by a supporting argument closed by a concluding statement.  That stuff bores me and causes me to not like writing.  Like I said though, I’ve never done it for pleasure, and in case you are wondering this last paragraph has been a blast! 

Let me tell you how this started and came to fruition about ten minutes ago while I almost went to bed, had about five lines played out in my head and said “screw it dude, let’s go bowling.”  The wife and I…. (Can’t tell if I should call her ”The Wife” or JP.  Think I’ll go with JP since it’s more personal and I want her to have an identity.  Because you and I both know, this blog is going to be legendary over night and she needs her identifiable recognition.)  Anyhow, JP and I went to a marriage conference a month and a half ago for some annual marital maintenance.  No major problems, we just believe in a sophisticated system of checks and balances, much like the one set in place with our fine governmental system. 

At the conclusion of the weekend we sat down and created a goal sheet for our upcoming year.  In addition to our marital goals we were able to setup personal goals as well.   Mine is to get to the point where I’m reading two new books a month.  JP’s is to get to the point where I’m reading two new books a month.  I’m not much of a reader.  Again, it goes back to the same philosophy of being forced, that I mentioned earlier with writing.  Except with reading, often times I find it hard to enjoy.  I typically find myself sitting there reading a wonderful book that has gotten rave revues and recommendations.  Yet all the while, I just read three pages and I was thinking completely about football or something of the sort, and I couldn’t repeat one thought I just read.  Some call that A.D.D, I call it football is more captivating.  But, I told myself I wanted to read more for pleasure because I believe in it.  I believe it strengthens your mind, makes you sharper, and if reading the right stuff, it can be very informative and come in handy for your overall purpose of life. (That’s a whole nother post, and like I said this blog is going to be places so I have time)  By the way, can you believe in something yet not practice it? Random thought. Well, after a period of six weeks where I needed to sit back and soak in the brevity of my lofty goal (and a swift kick of conviction from my buddy Scott two weeks ago), I began to knock out books left and right. I’m actually serious.  I’ve read somewhere around five books in a week and a half.  For me that’s like eight gold medals in one Olympics.  I should call Kellogg’s; I hear they have a promotional opening.  What I really mean is, guess we’ll see how many books I can read in a week when football season starts back up.

Now to my point; the first three books I read of which I could not put down were the Donald Miller Trilogy, Blue Like Jazz, Through Painted Desserts, and Searching For God Knows What.  I could not stop reading them.   If you have no idea what I’m talking about, that’s completely okay, just read these books.  I recommend Searching first, by far my favorite. I read each one in two days time, which for a guy who said he wanted to read two books a month for a year, is a bit of a big deal.  They were all amazing and inspiring in so many ways.  For me, it made me want to write.  And that’s how I got here tonight at 1am.

I don’t know how many people I’ll tell that I’ve started a blog. The wife, or sorry…JP for sure, and a few close friends and family.  But I’ve never been the type to go around wanting to draw attention to my accomplishments, although it’s probably because I want attention for said accomplishments all the while trying to come across as the opposite.  It reminds me of the people who have the personality to proclaim outloud their birthday is coming up as a bit of a hint.  Some go even far as to ask what you are going to get them, even though they’ve never so much as wished you a happy birthday on yours.  I’ve never proclaimed my birthday date outloud (10/16), but I wouldn’t mind an unsuspecting gift.  Guess what I’m trying to say is, if I’ve never looked at your blog (and who are we kidding, you all have one) I don’t expect you to look at mine, but it would feel good if you did.  So, we’ll see how far word gets out that Ol’ Miller finally has a blog.  And, congrats to you for finding me!  I suppose you may enjoy it or perhaps I can be the type that garners increased viewers out of hatred, kind of like Howard Stern does.  You shouldn’t expect much other than random thoughts, an occasional laughable story about the idiocy that is my attempt to be a reputable husband, and maybe a few fun memories and such.  I suspect graphics and pics will be to a minimum as well, at least in the beginning.  Until next time, thanks for stopping by. 

 

 

Miller

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